Things I didn't want to know

I am the kind of person who collects information. Perhaps I have a spectacular audio memory and am able to record it all on some tape in my brain and replay it at my convenience. I don't know. But I always seem to be able to draw connections between the various tidbits of information that I gather and draw pretty massive conclusions. And more often than not, I'm right.

This is the art of information analysis. Learning what to keep and what to discard. Sifting through the random gossip and finding the truth behind every rumour (and there is ALWAYS a certain amount of truth behind every major rumour- or at least so has been my experience). I suppose if everyone must have a talent, the ability to assimilate, analyze and draw conclusions has always been mine. And as far as talents go, I'm a pretty big fan of it.

I love being in the know, having information that others don't and being able to use it at my leisure. This sounds self-aggrandizing and like I'm some girl on a major power trip- please let me assure you that it isn't (well, not MOST of the time anyway....) Rather, it is my belief that everyone's primary motivation is self-preservation...and knowing more about others than they know about you is a tool of protection. I seldom use any of the information that I know...I'm not known for being a gossip- if and when I have to disclose it, I usually do so either to the person involved or to someone who is best able to deal with a situation. But for some reason people keep telling me stuff which I store in brain and hold on to for a rainy day when I'm able to piece together the puzzle.

However, there are times when the information gets too big for me...When I know I know something I shouldn't and I don't know what to do with the information. One of the crummy things about being good at analysis is that you're also able to weight the repercussions of whatever information you have.

Everytime this happens, I go through a series of internal conflicts...do I tell or don't I? Who do I tell if i tell? Is it right to breach confidentiality in order to ensure that the right thing is done? and of course, How will this affect me? (Again, shamelessly self-centered...but at least I'm honest about it). There have been times where I have acted on information and times that I haven't. In both cases, there were times where I was right to do so, and times that I was wrong to have opened my mouth. The results were never clear cut "good" or "bad"- mostly they were both, combined with relief, guilt and a little embarassement. And I ALWAYS walk away wondering if it would ahve been better to have let sleeping dogs lie...

I seem to have found myself in a few of these situations lately. In my personal, professional and social life, a few minor (some less minor than others) scandels have erupted and people have turned to me for help. I like to think that I have done my best to act in the interests of those that I care about...but at the end of the day, it's a huge catch 22 situation. And I never know if I did the right thing.

There is no point to this blog- it really is just a rather long babbling rant about where my mind is right now. But if anyone has ever felt the way I do, I'd love some advice for how to handle it...Anything but "don't listen to the information, and get yourself out of the loop and you'll feel better"...it's a little too late for that.

In a bit of a Crisis of Conscience,

Zita